Me and Mother Nature

Let me say right off the bat this blog is being written in anger.  And in anger we often say, and type, things we don’t really mean.

I can state without a doubt I mean them.

It is time to find a way to eliminate from the calendar the months of December, January, February and March.  That’s right, we need to go directly from November 30th to April 1st.  How’s that for an April Fools joke…winter did not happen, okay?

Right off the bat for those of you worried about Christmas and New Years, don’t worry.  Just turn that four day Thanksgiving Holiday into Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all together.  We can surely survive without Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and don’t get me started with that irritating Groundhog.

If you read my book, you know there was a chapter on the ten best things about winter after the age of 50.  And you know that chapter was blank.  I don’t want to hear about the snow glistening in the trees, about gathering around a cozy fireplace, about building a snowman or taking your kids sledding or tubing.

Ice and snow and cold.  Keep repeating that.  Ice and cold and snow.

Does it seem as if I am complaining just a bit?  If it does, it’s because I have the flu, which, by the way, you rarely get outside of winter.  Had a 102 temperature last night, then sweated through two sets of bed clothes and work up today feeling better, but still clobbered.

Ice and snow and cold.  Keep it up.

Your car won’t start.  Your windshield is full of ice.  The salt ruins your car.  You track ice, snow, slush and salt into the house.  Your dog gets ice and salt in between his paws.  The house is never warm.  You can’t open the darn windows.  And as soon as you get the tease of a few decent days…wham!  You get his right between the eyes with a new storm.

Now they have to name the winter storms.  And they’re not just storms.  They’re, “Bomb Cyclones”.  Really?  Are you freak’in kidding me?  And if I ever come across one of those weather people standing in the snow giving a live report he (or she) had better have quick reactions or the logo of my Toyota Tacoma will be branded onto their ass.  We can look out the window and see what’s happening you nitwits!

Sorry, but me and Mother Nature, we are on the outs.  I have had enough.  And the first one of you that tells me we should move, unless our jobs, family and friends are all coming with us, that is not an option.

Okay, I can do the math.  If I live another 25 years and do without four of those months a year, I’m taking a little more than six years off of my life.  I’m okay with that.  The time lost will not be worth the missing.

Ice and snow and cold.  And flu.  And boots and bundling.  And high heating bills and frozen pipes, downed trees and loss of power.

This has already been the longest winter of my life.  And next week they’re calling for another storm with another silly name and idiot weather people standing in the road telling us that it is snowing.

I realize April is close.  Just not close enough.  I’m going back to bed.