Still waiting for my pants to catch on fire

Yes, my name is Michael and I have been a liar.  They say admitting you have a problem is the first step in getting help.

Problem is, I’m not sure I need help or want help for that matter.

Growing up Catholic and in a house with four brothers, abusive teachers and a neighborhood of maniacs, lying wasn’t a luxury as much as it was a necessity.

Growing up where we did, as soon as you became smart enough to grasp the idea there actually wasn’t any hell, or anything close to it, it made the lying thing that much easier.  And they should have made it plainer to us in the first place.  “Thous shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor”?  Really?  How about, “Kid, don’t lie”.  Same thing goes for coveting thy neighbor’s goods.  “Don’t steal” would have sufficed.  Who were they trying to impress?

I was raised in a lying community so it came pretty natural to most of us.  “Mr. Duffy, did you complete your homework assignment?”.  “Yes, but my father spilled a bottle of Jim Beam all over it and then licked the pages afterwards”.  See, this is why lying is necessary.

As adults, why do we lie?  To deceive?  To cheat?  To avoid hurting someone’s feelings?  It seems the last of those is the most common form of lying.  Not telling the truth in order to spare someone’s feelings.

Let’s face it, in today’s society, there are simply many circumstances where it is easier to lie than to explain the truth.  “Why don’t I want to go out on a second date with you?”  Is it really better to tell that person the growth on the outer rim of their nose is something you will never make peace with?  Or to lie and tell them you’re a Republican and can’t stand their views on anything.

My wife detests it when I lie.  Even if it is for a very good reason.  Her position is, if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about anything.  Not true.  Not in the least.  Sparing someone the truth for the right reason is not wrong.  Now, I am being blatant with the truth more and more often as I grow older, which is why I have fewer and fewer people in my life.  Which shows you most people would prefer that you lie to them as opposed to hurt their feelings.

The truth is, our pants are never ever going to catch on fire.  Lying is part of our everyday life.  If you can make it through the entire day without telling even one little lie, you’re a better person than I am.  Or a meaner one, I’m not sure which.  Let me give you a quick pop quiz on that:

Your Boss:  “What do you think of this tie?  My wife made it for me in her tie-dye class.”

Your neighbor: “Here’s some fresh fruitcake we just made.  Let us know what you think”.

Your annoying, annoying neighbors: “We just got two tickets to Swamp People on Ice, for Saturday night.  Would you and your wife like to join us?”

You see, it’s not our fault.  Society calls upon us to lie for our own survival.  Now, cheating on your spouse, cheating on your taxes, if you’re lying for that then shame on you.  That’s a different story.

I’m sure you’ll agree.  Let me know what you think of my blog.  Then again, better not.