Ga Ga over Dr Dr

Why is it that so often the best version of ourselves appears whenever we have a doctor or a dentist appointment, or even with our hair stylist?

You know what I mean.  The preparation.

It’s like we are preparing ourselves for the cleanliness Olympics.  We shower, often a double rinse on the hair, meticulously cleaning bodily openings, even the ones we realize they have no business going near.  It is the shower of showers, as if we’re going into a 50 year cryogenic freeze immediately afterwards.

I mean, even if I’m going to the podiatrist I’m scrubbing my ass like there’s no tomorrow.  As I’m doing this I’m trying to imagine a scenario where this guy is going to need to ask me to drop my pants.  Even though I can’t come up with anything, I keep scrubbing.

We shave, clip our nails, trim our nose hairs, double-brush our teeth and use mouthwash…a lot of mouthwash.

And if it’s an opposite sex visit (male patient, female doctor), somehow we magnify the prep process even more, if that’s even possible.

Why?  Because often these people approach and enter the deepest regions of our bodies, in many areas we don’t allow even our most cherished loved ones to go near.

Think about your preparation for the doctor or dentist and then that of a first date…are they really all that different?  Are the expectations all that different?

And like a first date, imagine how we feel, after all that prep, when we barely spend 5 minutes with the doctor, not even taking our shirt off?  And we’ve spent $50.  Feeling kind of used, aren’t we?

It’s not just us, our spouses want us to look our best for these meetings also.  I’ve heard more than once, “You’re wearing that for your appointment?  Please go change!”  “Sweetie, he’s gonna lance a boil off of my ass, I don’t think he’s gonna mind that my sweat pants have paint stains on them”.

Can you imagine if they really did care about those things?  Can you picture them in the lounge, “Did you see what that Duffy had on?  Geez, what a slob!  I knew he had a small one”.

I think it all goes back to when we were young.  Our mothers would yell, “Make sure you have on clean underwear in case you’re hit by a car”.  We didn’t get the lecture about being sure NOT to get hit by the car.  It was basically assumed we would just do something that stupid.  The real warning was, “If you get hit by a car and fracture your skull, do NOT embarrass me in front of those doctors and nurses by having on dirty underwear”.  Hey, mom, how about a little less lecture and a little more Tide.

What about those moments when we run into our doctor or dentist in public, say we’re out to dinner with our wives and there they are.  You act almost like you’re running into the girlfriend you’re wife doesn’t know about.  “Uh…Doc, this is my wife, Madeline…”.  Awkward, right?

Hair stylists aren’t at quite the same level, however, they are very up close and personal with our scalps and when someone else is washing your hair, they still qualify for 75% of the standard professional prep.

It would be nice to know that we can give the same level of attention daily to our loved ones, or even just to ourselves, and not just for those occasions when those very smart people are asking, gently, “Bend over just a little more”.

I gotta go shower.  I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday.