The envelope, please…

Don’t get all exited.  If you’re name is announced and you get to come up on stage to accept your award, that award, is death.  Yes, this is the continuing list of the people in our world…who simply need to go away.

Far be it from me to cheer for bad things to happen to people.  But hey, if you’re number happens to be up, don’t let the door of life hit you in the ass as you make your way off of this planet.

Here we go…

The men (and women) who choose to drive their houses on the road, in the guise of an over-sized SUV.  I don’t need your stink eye when you have trouble getting back into your behemoth because I have legally parked next to you and you’re having trouble opening your doors.  Your vehicle doesn’t make you stronger, more intimidating or safer.  Just annoying, to everyone else other than yourself.

Men dressing out of season.  Perfect time of year for this.  Look, I want Spring to come as much as the next person.  But when there is 15 inches of snow on the ground, the temperature is 28 degrees and I have ice forming on my testicles, I don’t need to see you running out to your car in cargo shorts and flip flops.  And, by association, the teenagers waiting for the bus in the morning in twenty degree temps wearing only a shirt and light sweater, texting at 6:20 am.  We know you’re texting someone, saying, “I’m freezing my ass off out here”.  Put a friggin coat on!

Test audiences who gave the green light to, “Morgan Family Strong”.  I’m not even going to elaborate.

The clerk at my local Wawa who insists on reading my paper before I purchase it.

The next person who reminds me that “we can’t control the weather”.  That may seem like a minor infraction for being removed permanently, but, it’s been a long winter.

The next restaurant server who asks, “How are WE doing tonight?”

The next member of either political party who fails to at least listen to the other side’s point.  The ones who tell you, “I know all I need to know”.  Hey, idiot, no you don’t.  The country is still f****d up, just listen, it’s not going to hurt you.

The next person who cries, “They’ll start with the assault weapons then go after our handguns”.  Makes me wish I had an assault weapon when you say that.

The next person who tells me, “Fluids and rest”.  Or, “Rests and fluids”.

The people in charge of naming new drugs.  Toujeo?  Linzess?  Really, can’t we employ a group of six year old children to come up with something better?

The President of UP television network.  Makes me wish there really was a heaven and hell, mainly for the hell part.

The next person to break out in an Eagles cheer.  It was two months ago people.  Time to move on.

The next medical professional to remind me, “Your current plan doesn’t cover that”.  Really?  I’m sure your plan doesn’t cover what is about to happen to you.

The next toll taker who reminds me to, “Have a blessed day”.  I know many of you are going to take exception with this one.  How can such a phrase be harmful in any way?  Listen, I don’t want a blessed day.  I know I don’t deserve a blessed day.  And let’s face it, only so many of us can actually experience a blessed day.  So save it for those who really need it.  Just doling them out to every car who passes by, seems a bit, well, crazy, you know?

The next bicycle guy, who takes up the entire lane of traffic ahead of me, because our lane does not have a bike lane.  First off, my mistake, it is not, “our lane”, it’s my lane.  If the road you’re on does not have a bike lane, it’s not designated for bikes.  Take your spandex pants and your helmets with the dentist mirrors and go to a bike-approved road.  Or to a rally trying to get support for more bike lanes.  Just because you are pedaling at your fastest pace, you’re still doing 14 miles an hour ahead of me in a 35 zone.

Lastly, to the person who gave out body part names and slangs, for whoever came up with,”scrotum”.  I realize that you must have had a rough night beforehand, but no excuse.  I know you’re probably waiting for the job offer from the company that names the new drugs.

If you fall into one of these categories, shape up…or watch out.