Random thoughts

Every once in a while it is a good idea to throw things out there you’ve been thinking of, which, as a collective group, make no sense at all.  Sort of like Congress.

Here’s my collection for today…

Yes, I am a Democrat.  Mom tells me that when I was a baby I would only drink from the left breast.  That might be why she leans slightly to one side.

Natural abilities rarely have any place of significance on a job application.  “Yes, my hair grows really fast; I can produce a full beard, if necessary, in five days”.

This is, unfortunately, a true quote: “How fortunate for governments that people they administer don’t think”.  Adolph Hitler.

Have you ever used the word topsy and not turvy or the word turvy without topsy?  If so, respond and use it in a sentence please.

To the makers of cereal and potato chips.  Save yourself the money and make smaller packages for your products.  Packages the actual size of what is inside.  What is the point of making a 12 inch high box when you only fill it with 9 inches of product?  There’s a lewd joke in there somewhere, just give me a moment.

If two couples are going out to dinner and only two of the four decide to order dessert, and share it, please know this.  The two women can share a dessert from the same plate.  One of the men and one of the women can share the dessert.  The two men cannot.  Sorry, Ed, it just can’t happen.  One plate, one piece of pie, two forks.  Not happening.

Remember, whether you’re starting your day with a smile or a clenched fist, at least you are starting your day.  And a lot of people don’t get to anymore.

Having recently been sick I made it a point to not say, “Yeah, I was sick as a dog”.  How often do you ever see a sickly dog?  Ever?  They eat trash and dig in the dirt, drink from the toilet and the street, and never skip a beat.  As well, I’ve never been as, “healthy as a horse”.  I don’t hang around stables or racetracks very often, but what distinguishes horses from the rest of us sick slobs?

Don’t we all have that friend who can’t help but lie, even in situations where there is no need to lie.  I have such a friend.  I think his system is so screwed up from years of lying, he couldn’t pass a polygraph if he was telling the truth.

People idolize the Amish as having the perfect lifestyle and that they basically, have never built anything shoddy in their lives.  I’m sure, somewhere, there is the world’s worst Amish builder.  And I’m sure I’ll be purchasing a shed from him this June.

If you’re not drawing a line in the sand, your head is probably in it.

Can we stop invoking the, “Sophie’s Choice” metaphor into everyday life.  I’ve actually heard, “I don’t know whether to watch  Fast and Furious 8 or Transformers 4 tonight…it’s like Sophie’s Choice”.  Do any of you know what Sophie’s actual choice was???

Regardless of the type of bicycle you purchase, there should be a law that states the seat of that bicycle must be in direct proportion with the size of your backside.

Dad never gave me, “the talk”.  Mom never gave me, “the talk”.  Looking back now, that explains a LOT.

I’d much rather prefer to be known than to be remembered.

You know that string that emerges from in between the kernels when you’re eating a piece of corn on the cob?  That’s as close I come to flossing.  Sorry, Vince.

Feeling blue?  Daily?  Even though your life is going pretty well?  Don’t lose hope.  My mom is starting a miserob grief hotline.  Anytime, day or night, just call 1-800-WOE-ISME.  Don’t worry, she never sleeps.

I’m growing concerned that absolutely everything at the supermarket costs $4.99.  Check it out.  Then check out.

I still consider winning the Powerball to be a viable retirement plan.  I’ve got 10 years, so about 1000 more chances.  I like my odds.

People are living longer.  Just not the right people.

Why is it that the elderly can flaunt the fact that they’re having sex but as teenagers we never had that right?

Your life expectancy should be directly related to what you do and your importance to society.  Surgeons and sanitation workers should live to 109.  Reality TV participants and lawyers to about 38.

Has anyone ever made six figures out of making stick figures?  And then have to tell people about it?

Okay, I realize I’m losing a lot of you.  That’s all for now.  Remember, this coming Sunday, when the big rock gets rolled back, and Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow they’ll be six more weeks of winter.