Read…at your own risk

I’m one of those dinosaurs who still reads.  And I’m not ashamed to admit I still read…newspapers.  Yes, the physical, black and white newspapers made with paper and ink.  I realize we’re depleting both trees and octopus’ but I can live with that.

Generally I read daily the Philadelphia Inquirer and the USA Today.  I usually throw in the weekly Main Line Times and the Sunday New York Times.  I used to read the Delaware County Daily Times but had to stop after reading the columns of Christine Flowers.  You want a real dose of reality and how the world has gone to hell in a hand basket?  Read that column once or twice and you’ll swear off reading forever.  The fact that someone like that can have a column attests to how great a country this is, but, much more so because we have the option to ignore words that displease us.

As for the New York Times, thank goodness for that publication.  Paying $6.00 for a Sunday edition does not pain me in the least.  But, I can only take the harsh reality of that paper once a week.  The rest of the week I crawl back into my bubble and try to remember what life was like when I was five.

Okay, daily, first I go to the obits.  And not to make sure my name isn’t there.  Reading the obits keeps you grounded.  It reminds you there is finality to life.  That on every given day there are a bunch of people who were just here a moment ago.  Yes, I want to know how old they were and what they died of.  When an obit hides either it really pisses me off.  Although not so much as when they explain that, “Mr. Smith, 57, died of natural causes”.  Natural causes?  57?  What is this, 1814?  Just tell us that he died on the toilet when a king cobra that someone next door had flushed came up through the pipes and bit him on the ass cheek.  We can take it.

Even those don’t bother me as much as the lucky bastards, “Surrounded by their loving family” at the time they pass.  They fail to mention that by the time the obit appears this, “loving family” is already rummaging through the attic and the fireproof safe to pilfer whatever they can before the reading of the will.

By the way, do they still have a, “Reading of the Will” and if so, when was the last time, aside from the movies and television, that anyone actually attended one?  I’d like to know.

I don’t mind getting my news a day or two late. For me it beats reading it off of a computer screen, or, gulp, even worse, a phone.  I like the process of buying the paper, holding it and reading it, and then recycling it.  Much like reading a real book, as opposed to an E-book.  Heavens to Mergatroid.  And anyway, with most of what the news encapsulates nowadays, wouldn’t you rather have that news a day or two late?  Besides, without papers, what would we have to put underneath the pumpkins that we carve at Halloween?

I have to say I enjoy the daily section of the USA Today that gives us the little State by State blurbs.  That is the true essence of how far humanity has fallen from greatness…or even from mediocrity.  Example, Anchorage, Alaska:  “Officials say a man was injured when a moose he kicked to get out of the way on a trail stomped his foot in return”.  It’s a shame those blurbs don’t come with pictures because I’ve been waiting to see exactly what a person looks like who watches, “Ice Road Truckers”.

Charlottesville, Virginia:  (brace yourselves)…”Morgan Hopkins, arrested for exposing her breasts during August’s white nationalist rally, has filed a lawsuit against city police and arresting officers, although her indecent exposure charge was dropped.”  Think about it.  This woman likely, is a mother, or is going to become a mother someday.  And we wonder why the human race has no chance of survival.

The one section of the paper that is a must read, every day, is the comics.  If, “Pearls before Swine” doesn’t improve your daily mood, nothing will.  If you don’t laugh a little at the start of each day, it’s like getting behind the wheel of your car every day without your seat belt.  You’re not going to last very long.

Here’s the best part of physical newspapers.  Read, and then write, a letter to the editor.  It still works.  It gives you an idea of what the (common) man and woman is thinking, and gives you an opportunity to express your opinions, no matter how crazy they are.  I’ve had more than a few published and that about tells you all you need to know about the direction we’re headed in.

Here’s one thing to stay away from, mainly in the USA Today.  If you come across a series of diagrams, where it shows multiple rooms, a man-like figure and dotted lines, look away.  Something very bad has happened.  Now, if you see the same thing in, “The Family Circus” comic strip, read on.  Oh, that Jeffy.