Okay, the rain has me a bit, “Trapped in a Happy Household” today. So I have some ideas for tomorrow’s blog, and since maybe I’ll sleep in later (meaning after 6 am), thought I’d send some thoughts out today.
Before I do, I should alert everyone that I’ve been on a growth spurt. Okay, not height-wise, that ship sailed many moons ago. Many. And not emotionally, either. I hope I continue to grow in that manner, but not lately. That leaves what, circumference-wise? Time to restart my diet.
There are phrases we both hear and use in everyday life. Things that often we say without really thinking of the moment in which we say it. We have been trained in a way to respond to these phrases, much like our dog Murphy knows to sit when the treat bucket emerges. By the way, Murphy recovered nicely from his surgery. The doctor believes they got all of the cancerous growth and they don’t anticipate any future treatment. He does have a sac of fluid where the incision was, and is still wearing a cone, albeit a smaller version. I’ve taken to calling him, “James Coney” and he, in response, swears to tell the truth.
Why do people use the phrase, “Hope it goes off without a hitch” when referring to someone’s upcoming wedding day? If nothing else, don’t we want a, “hitch” to take place? Don’t we want these two people to become, “hitched”? Speaking of, did the royal couple get hitched today? Hate to say I have not been paying attention. I’ve been busy cleaning helicopters out of the pool. You know, the spinney things that fall from the trees and twirl like copter blades?
“Fore”. As far as I know, aside from the similar sounding number 4, the only time anyone ever uses this phrase is on a golf course. When are we going to stop saying, “Fore”, and as well, “Heads up” and just start saying what we should really be saying…”Duck” or, “Get down”.
At least once a week I’m speaking to someone about something, (usually about my blog) and they respond, “I could care less”. Nice zing, but totally inappropriate. Try, “I couldn’t care less”, which suggests that is the maximum amount of which they could not care. And what the hell am I doing speaking to this nitwit anyway? Sorry, Mom.
“Six for one, half-dozen for another”. I get it, it means either way, I don’t really care. Why not just, “12 for one, a dozen for another”. Who buys a half dozen eggs anyway? Just to throw people off, I use other versions of that saying. The other day I told my boss, “Three for one, a quarter-dozen for another”. She hung up on me.
His bark is worse than his bite”. At no time in my entire life have I every been under the impression that a dog barking, no matter what the decibel level is, would be worse that that animal sinking his fangs into my skin. Let’s shorten that to, “Hey, his bark is loud, but stop complaining or you’ll experience his bite too…on your ass”. Now go away.
“Touch wood”. This made an appearance in the book, but bears repeating. Notable people say this. Surgeons…bankers…millionaires. They say something, then look for the nearest object made of wood, and then touch it. I don’t think composite wood counts. Worse still, if they cannot find a piece of wood in range within 5 seconds, they actually reach up and start banging their knuckles on top of their head. Seems about right.
Let’s clear something up right now, for the final time. There is no such thing as luck. Black cats are simply black. A ladder stands firmly whether you walk under it or around it. Break as many mirrors as you’d like. Knock over the salt shaker. In that vain, the phrases, “God forbid”, and “Heaven forbid”, as you make the sign of the cross, have to go. And, if you’re alone and do any of that, then you need luck…er, help.
“Lightning never strikes the same place twice”. Actually, it has. Multiple times. Check something called, “Google”. There’s one guy who has been hit 7 or 8 times. People who have won the lottery multiple times. Also, ask any guy whose considering getting married for the third time.
“She’s got a green thumb”. Okay, harmless enough. Unless she’s sleeping with Mr. Spock. Then…ew.
“It’s not the fall that kills you”. Acceptable responses to this phrase include: 1. It’s not, its the sudden stop at the bottom. 2. It’s always the fall that kills you., what are you, stupid? 3. It’s winter, not fall, that kills you (my favorite). 4. Unless you work at a trampoline park.
And now, some animal-related quotes:
“The birds and the bees do it”. Perhaps this is why so many of us grow up, “sexually-challenged”. Unless you’re an earth-nik, no one has ever seen the birds or the bees doing it. And if so, they’re doing it right out in the open, another great suggestion for your offspring. With all due respect to Mrs. Crow and Mr. Buzzy, when your kids are of appropriate age, take them to someone to EXPLAIN it to them.
“The straw that broke the camels back”. I’ve tried thinking about this phrase from every possible angle. My conclusion is, whoever came up with it was simply having a bad day and needed to try harder. It makes no sense on any level. Yet, we use it till this day. Go figure. If we use a Camel on a pack of cigarettes, given this saying, shouldn’t some drinking straw company have a camel as their logo?
“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. Why, why, why would you want to make it drink? A horse is alive. If it is thirsty, it will drink. If you lead it to a trough of oats, it may not eat. If I lead my dog to the park, he may not crap. The next time you find yourself starting this saying, get as far as, “You can…”, then just close with, “kiss my ass”. Likely where that conversation is ending up, anyway.
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. This is one we definitely want to keep, Save it for whenever anyone says anything ridiculous to you, like, “I think Trump is doing a great job”. Look them straight in the eye…”A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. “Yes, I still think it’s a good idea to let my son go on a camping weekend with Father Dominic. Again…straight in the eye. “Hey, I bought Mike Duffy’s book on Amazon last week, it’s great!”. “A mind is a terri…”.
Trapped in a Happy Life 