Summer Hiatus

Yes, it has been quite a while.  Summer is my favorite time of year and I often get lost in the warm weather, being out back of our home and I am not as compelled to write as much as I am when I am stuck indoors.

It’s true, I’m finding less and less enjoyable things to write about lately.  With all of the crap in the headlines, it is becoming more difficult to express happiness at the little things in life.

Like I bought a new bicycle yesterday.  This is the first bike I have purchased in 25 years that didn’t cost me more than $50.  And I took longer to purchase this bike than I did my last car.  The owner of the shop actually uttered the words, “This bike was made for you”.  Um, sorry, no bike was made for me.  In fact, if the assembly line workers had an image of me in their minds while making the bike they would have walked out on strike.

You know what I discovered?  You can spend several hundred dollars on a new bike…and that doesn’t include a kickstand.  Really?  If you want that, throw in another ten bucks.  Yes, you want a new Tesla, that will be $85,000.  Oh, by the way, it doesn’t include an emergency brake.  That’ll be another $400.  It has been a long time for me.

The first thing I did when I got home was remove the fancy seat and replace it with the over-sized seat from my old bike.  My rear end does not like surprises and that’s not an area where I want to create any calamity.

I was also asked if I needed a helmet.  I said, no thank you, I have a good helmet.  I was told if my helmet was more than four years old, it was, “useless”.  But a new helmet, at $65, could save my life.  My response was, given the cost of my new bike, I was disappointed that is was not self-riding and there should be no way the bike would ever go down while I was on it.  Doesn’t it come with self-levitating sides?  I’ll take my chances with the old helmet.  Maybe throw some extra bubble wrap inside.

My bike has 21 speeds.  My last bike had three, slow, slower and stop.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever require anything more than 3 or 4 speeds, but in case I need to ride up the face of the Comcast Tower, I’m covered.  Wait, do you need a bike lock, bottle holder and bottle, air pump, mirror, extra reflectors?  No, no, no, no and no.  I have no intention of taking my bike on any journeys.  I certainly do not intend to ride far enough that I need to replenish my system before stopping.  As far as I am concerned, a bicycle is for enjoyment, not a mandatory workout.

There’s no seat in the back for my miniature Peekapoo.  And what is it with these women who bring these little dogs into any kind of store with them while my 40 pound Border Collie, Murphy, has to remain in the car?  Just because your dog weighs a pound and a half, do not the rules of, “No dogs allowed” still apply?  And don’t feed me that, “emotional support dog” crap either.  Your dog still barks, whines, sheds, pees and craps so please, that’s what glove compartments are for.

So easy to get off point.  I’m done with the bike talk anyway.  I mean, how much can you talk about bicycles?  Unless you mention the shorts.  Ah, the shorts.  I was asked, before I left, if I required any, “bike wear”.  There is a term I would have been happy to go my entire life without hearing.  Bike wear.  No sir, I think I will spare the rest of the world the image of my ass and thighs in material which enhances every little red bump on my backside.  That if you look close enough, actually highlights the words, “Tasty Cake” on my left butt cheek.  No, I’ll wear cargo shorts, or denim shorts, or just regular gym shorts.  “But sir, you’ll want to be as streamlined as possible”.  Yes, you should have been there for that one.

Streamlined?  It was at that moment I almost cancelled the transaction.  Just while they were installing my new $10 kickstand.  Now I realize my dilemma.  I have a new bike and somehow, I am going to be expected to be a bike…person.  Oh, goodness, what have I done?

I was able to leave the store with just the bike and the kickstand.  Loaded it into the back of my old pickup, where it proceeded to get rained on.  Left it in the open back while I went to 3 stores on the way home, unlocked for anyone to pilfer.  I was told, by the way, to take a photo of the receipt and as well, of the serial number under the bike so that I will have a record if the bike is stolen.  Stolen, meaning I would have to go back to…driving my truck.  And not moving my legs as much.

 Never a camera around when you need one.

Let me add there was a guy in the store I suppose was looking to buy a bike and he had just applied sunblock to his face.  It was overcast and I saw no hint of sun, but whatever.  Look, guys, and ladies, the idea of sunblock is to rub it into your skin.  Into your skin.  Not onto your skin.  See the subtle difference there.  Into.  Onto.  White blotches on the red skin of a 62 year old Irishman does not a pretty picture make.  It makes us think your in the first stage of zombie conversion.

Oh, Mike Pence was in town earlier this week.  I’ll let you insert your own joke here ___________________________________________________________.

This man is supposed to be one step away from a pretty big position (well before Doofus occupied it).  And he truly believes this planet we live on, is about…6,000 years old.  And he gets up every day, dresses himself in a suit and tie, practices not smiling, and reminds himself, “Today could be the day he’s impeached”.  This is where we are.  2018.

George Carlin once said of Nixon, “he looks like he hasn’t taken a shit in a month”.  Mike Pence could certainly give him a run for his money.

Remember those old movies when the future contained only superior intellect beings?  Well, someone lost that script.

As we draw to a close, guys, it’s summer.  We’re all warm.  But remember, no one over 30 looks good in a tee shirt with the sleeves cut off.  None of us needs to see your barb wire tattoo.  If you want to impress us, get some real barb wire and strap that around your upper arm.  You can use the cut off sleeves from your tee shirt to dry up the blood.

And if you’re attending any summer concerts, be sure to leave the moment the artist leaves the stage…for the first time.  Let’s adopt a policy of not supporting the encore.  Let’s see, I was going to play 27 songs.  I’ll play 24, walk off, then wait two minutes, take a drink of water, then walk back on and play three more.  Let’s make the audience wonder, “Are they coming back?”  Wouldn’t it be great if they came back after two minutes…and everyone was gone from their seats…filing out of the venue?  “Wait, everyone, I’m back!”.  Now there’s a Kodak moment.