State by State

We sure need a few laughs before the big day, November 6th.  It’s always comforting to look to our good friends at USA Today with their State by State blurbs.  Here’s a few that stood out this week…

Las Cruces, New Mexico:  “A man is recovering after he says his 120 pound Rottewiler, Charlie, shot him in the back after getting his foot caught in the trigger of the gun.”  Oh, my, where to begin?  Man’s best friend?  Or deep down, animals really do all stick together.  I prefer to believe that one.

 Birmingham, Alabama: “A McDonald’s customer is being called a hero after he shot and killed a masked gunman who opened fire inside one of the fast food restaurants”.  Later interviewed he claimed, “I was saving the guy years of digestive problems followed by a massive heart attack so it seemed like the right thing to do”.

Anchorage, Alaska:  “Conservation officials are on high alert for a rodent that continues to evade capture on a small, previously rat-free island off the coast of western Alaska.  Authorities on St. Paul Island want to keep it free of rats because they threaten its sensitive habitat and wildlife.”  They had wrongly assumed that when the last of the Palin family left they were in the clear, but apparently, one stayed behind.

Kansas City, Kansas: “Kansas City Police say they’ve recovered a giant inflatable colon stolen earlier this month.  The University of Kansas Cancer Center is holding a welcome-home celebration”.  The pro-Trump supporters who stole the large colon said they wanted to use it for an upcoming rally and they believed it resembled the next best thing to their leader.

Pataskala, Ohio: “Haunted Hoochie, a Halloween venue that held a, “Swastika Saturday” the day of an attack at a synagogue, says that, “we screwed up big time”.  And this is one of the swing states that helps elect our country’s leaders.  We wrongly assumed that inbreeding had all but disappeared from this country.

Owensboro, Kentucky: “A man posted online that he and his 5 year old son were mistreated while dressed as Nazis for a Halloween event and is now facing even more backlash”.  Okay first, this guy was allowed to breed?  Second, this guy has a computer?  Third, this guys knows how to type?  Lastly, sadly, that poor 5 year old has absolutely zero chance at a life.

District of Columbia: “U S Census Bureau data show only 1 in 11 residents in the nations’ capital are of trick or treating age, the lowest rate in the nation.”  That’s probably because the orange-haired monster that everyone whispers about is actually real.  What kids want to live near that?

Here’s hoping we can all have a few laughs after November 6th as well…but with the caliber of people that inhabit this “great” country, it’s hard to imagine…