The most surprising thing about revisiting this topic is how easy it is to fill up the pages. I know you’re on the edge of your seat, so here we go…
Businessmen who have, “special pens”. C’mon, really? Just how special are they? If you need a special pen to complete a business task, you had better start evaluating your role in whatever business you’re in.
People driving who are tailgating me at 5:30…in the morning. Just how bad is your life that you’re already rushing to get ahead at that time of the day? I’ve moved on from anger to pity for these lost souls. Oh, and on those two lane highways, next time you’re behind a white pickup truck, that’s me, going extra slowly, just to aggravate you.
Toll takers who (don’t suggest), but TELL me to, “Have a blessed day”. This actually just happened to me yesterday. All I want to say is, E Z Pass doesn’t give a flying fart about the amount of religion in my day.
Racists whose main defense is, “I’m not a racist”. This is usually immediately followed by, “I had a black friend back in 1983, remember?” Choose one…you’re either a racist or a member of the human race.
Men whose cars are cleaner than their teeth. Listen, no one, and I mean no one, cares that you can eat dinner off of the hood of your car. It’s a car. Try applying the same vigor and OCD to your personal hygiene.
The guy who mows his lawn…three times a week, You need to accept that it is okay to have one blade of grass be slightly higher that the blade alongside of it. Try taking down at least one of the 14 American flags on your property while you’re at it.
Tiny women driving large SUVs. I know, a classic, but it never goes out of style. If you want to start with the trigger that started the downfall of mankind, this is as good a reason as any.
Undertakers who smile…showing their teeth.
People who say, “shoot” instead of shit, and “fudge” instead of fuck. You’re not kidding anyone. When you’re alone, and you drop the plate of pasta all over the cat, we KNOW what’s coming out of your mouth. And so does Jesus.
Marie Osmond. Does that really require any clarification?
Anyone watching the Lifetime Channel who has not yet suffered a nervous breakdown.
And, by connection, anyone hired to write a Lifetime Channel movie script. Can’t we have just one of these suburban widows die at the end instead of finding true love with the pool cleaning guy?
And you’ll notice I’m not going for any of the low hanging political fruit here. Which, by my last measurement, is about half way to China by now.
Which reminds me, the neighbor who strolls by as you’re digging a trench on your property and remarks, “You’re about half way to China by now”. Or the even crasser remark of, “Hey, don’t think the Mrs. will fit in there, you’ll have to dig a little deeper”. Hmmm, yes, just a little deeper, you’re right, get in there and let’s try it on for size.
People who complain about the heat in the summer, and then the cold in the winter. You can’t have both. Pick one and go with it. Besides, pretty soon, you’ll only have one to complain about anyway.
By connection, the morons, who on a cool day in June, exclaim, “Global warming…what global warming?” These are the people we hope are the first to be incinerated when the shoot hits the fan.
Joel Osteen. Again, no explanation required.
People who reach for the phone after viewing the commercial for “Phone Psychics”. “The best reading I ever had!” Go to a book store. Go to the old people section. Find a Webster’s dictionary. Look up the word : desperation. Read the description. Move on with your life.
Doctors who like to be referred to by their first name, like, “Dr. Matt” or, “Dr. Jim”. To patients that are over four years old. I’ve got a better name for you…Dr. Dick.
And finally, last word freak texters. You know the ones:
Them : Thank you
You: You’re welcome
Them: Much appreciated
You: My pleasure
Them: C U Later
You: Okay
Them: Okay, bye-bye
You: Please die already
I know, harsh. But in this world of annoyance, no remark is unwarranted.
Trapped in a Happy Life 