Every time I decide to sit down and write an article about something uplifting I make the mistake of first picking up the newspaper for inspiration. When will I ever learn?
Is it possible that Christine Flowers, the columnist (I’ll use that term very, very lightly) for the Delco Times is having a secret affair with Donald Trump? At at the least, wants to get appointed onto his cabinet? Maybe the position of Mistress of Moral Decency?
Okay, while neither of those is true, you can’t help but wonder. The landmark decision regarding abortion in Ireland is worse that the Roseanne remark? Okay, where do I start?
First, make no mistake about it. The decision last week in Ireland had as much to do with the Catholic Church as it did with women’s rights. Here is an organization (organized being the key word) that had controlled women for hundreds of years. Men, controlling women, during many a time when women supporters held the church together. Women were told what they could do and not do. They were shamed, cast out, and told they were, “going to hell” for their life choices. All the while being told they had no place whatsoever in the running or the teaching of the church. No, that high duty fell on the shoulders, and the groins, of men.
These men ran the church. And ran women into the ground. Did you read this week by the way, yet another multi-million settlement made by the Catholic church regarding years of priest abuse on minors? And dozens, yes, dozens more still in the negotiation process.
This is all about control, men’s control over women and their fear of losing that control. You had your fun boys, the jig, sorry to use the Irish term, is up.
Now women have the choice to do with their bodies what they wish. If there is an almighty, it is their decision and their eternity to deal with, not Christine’s, Trumps, nor anyone else’s.
Yes, there needs to be strict laws regarding abortion. And that needs to be regulated. By women. Men should have zero say in the matter. They create the problems, they rarely find ways to resolve them.
If you support this president on any matter, you support a sexist, a bigot, a literal form of human garbage. If that is where you decide to stand in line, you had better be concerned about your own eternity as opposed to the millions of women who waited years for theirs. What Roseanne said and did, and that fact that not EVERY person in the country came out against her emphasizes the fact that racism is tolerated on too many levels, in too many places. But a columnist not of color would fail to understand that. She’s too busy using racism as a means to promote a pro-life agenda. Beyond pathetic.
It wouldn’t bother me so much except that she has a public forum to do so. So do I, I realize that, but it’s likely I’m only getting my message out to 4 or 5 people, while she probably reaches…well, dozens, on any given day.
Racism is wrong on any level, and on every level. But a large percentage of this, “Great” country fails to recognize this. We have a sitting president who uses that to his advantage.
Thank, “God” for the Bill Mahers of this world. For the Rachel Maddows, for the Keith Olbermans of this world. People who are not afraid to step up and shout at the lunacy of this administration.
I’ll give Christine credit, she’s not afraid to step,up and voice her opinion as well. Why should she be? She’s got God on her side. The same God that allowed the church to grow, to manipulate, to control, to pay off, to molest, to reassign, to settle lawsuits. Good to be a winning team.
A day after ABC cancelled the reboot of Roseanne, following the star’s racist tweets, Barr tried to immediately mend the broken fence. She suggested her rant was fueled by the fact that she had taken the drug Ambien.
As much as I consider Barr to be a disgusting slob of a human being, I would have given her more credit if she had stood behind her remarks, as pathetic as they were. But no, like most people in the spotlight, she tried to pull back and salvage what is left of her career. Nice try.
The makers of Ambien issued a sharp statement, indicating that their drug has helped many people, and although it may have certain side effects for particular patients, racism is not one of them. Three cheers!
Barr now has to deal with the fact that she has cost many people their jobs. I don’t suppose she intends to support any of them financially, do you? She’ll likely go on a few more days doing her best to apologize for her, “inappropriate joke”. She’d be better served admitting that she meant what she said, take a job at Fox News and get it over with.
Roseanne Barr is a racist. Anyone who has ever worked with her knows that for certain now. She had her second chance and she blew it, in 10 seconds. She doesn’t deserve another.
I would say there is no place in society for people like her. But unfortunately, there are far too many places for her. One would be on a chair in the Oval Office.
At least she won’t be on television, being paid millions of dollars for being a common everyday slob of a human being.
Some of my favorite blurbs continue to be in the State by State section of the USA Today. Here are some recent doozies.
Ashland, Ohio: “Authorities say the mother of an 8 year old boy who repeatedly shot his four year old sister delayed seeking medical help for fear that the guns they use to hunt food with would be taken away.” I almost don’t know where to start. That a parent would be more concerned about keeping guns as opposed to seeking medical help for their 4 year old, or that they have raised an 8 year old boy that would, “repeatedly” shoot his little sister. Let’s hope those children end up in a loving home void of guns and maniacal parents.
Sioux Falls, South Dakota: “State officials are working with a Chinese marketing company to try and attract tourists who visit the United States.” See, this is what people are complaining about. Are there really no marketing companies within the State of South Dakota, or for that matter, in the entire United States, that are capable of achieving this same goal? Remember, “Made in the USA”? Flip that over and on the back it now reads, “Made in China”.
Sarasota, Florida: “A couple woke up to find a 300 pound alligator in their swimming pool.” And I’ve had a difficult time preventing pool crashers from coming over to our house during the warm weather. I never realized the solution was so simple. So, do you think Rush Limbaugh is still available?
Federal Way, Washington: “An overturned semi spilled 40,000 pounds of feathers onto Interstate 5. It took four hours to clean the road.” It was suggested that twenty tons of tar be brought in as well as every member of the House and Congress and clean up would have taken longer, but have been much more gratifying.
Salt Lake City, Utah: “Bryan Brandenburg, co-founder of the city’s annual comic convention, is taking a leave of absence amid a backlash for appearing insensitive about a sexual harassment complaint.” Bryan eventually issued a video statement from his mother’s basement stating he had done nothing wrong. His mom could be seen in the video bringing back his clean laundry along with a nice snack of Oreos and milk.
Carson City, Nevada: “Dennis Huf plans to open an anti-aging rejuvenation center next to his famed Moonlite Bunny Ranch.” This one is too easy. I’ll let you insert (oops, bad taste) you’re own reply here____________________________.
Movie Review: “The Station Agent”. This comedy drama, from 2003, stars Peter Dinklage, well before his Game of Thrones fame, along with Patricia Clarkson and Bobby Cannavale. It was directed by Tom McCarthy. The story centers around Fin, a dwarf enamored with trains who inherits a train station in New Jersey and decides to move there to live. It is beyond a fish out of water story.
Talk about a wonderful little film. It is funny, touching, heart-wrenching and above all, satisfying. Another film that you will be glad you have seen it once you have seen it. Dinklage is terrific, as is Clarkson as a grieving mother who has lost her only child. Cannavale is charming and together, the three of them mix like a good stew. If you haven’t seen it, see it. You won’t regret it.
Happy viewing. And Happy 8th Birthday to Murphy, our border collie! All healed and happy.
As opposed to the creepy thought that celebrity deaths always happen in threes, this week we actually have three good events that brightened our day. Or at least mine.
First came the landmark decision in Ireland in favor of Women’s rights. Keep in mind this was not a decision in favor of abortion over life. It was a decision of a woman’s right to choose. It’s easy to look back over the past 100 years and see the shame and utter devastation that Ireland had previously taken on unwed mothers. How little hope and choice they ever had. This week’s decision was as much a blow to the Catholic church as it was a platform for women’s rights moving forward. The church will no longer dictate moving forward what their congregation should and should not do. Not after years of sex abuse cases covered up and repeated time and time again. They no longer have the right to waggle their holier than thou fingers at their women.
So Ireland has finally emerged into the 21st century. It is long overdue. The women of that country should accept this new era with responsibility, not reckless or careless behavior. And I believe they will. They have earned that right. I’ve always said and still maintain that when it comes to a discussion about women’s rights, men have absolutely no place at that table. It is a discussion that should be limited to women. If it were men having babies this wouldn’t even be a discussion. They’d have machines in restrooms right alongside the condom machines to terminate pregnancies. Sad, yes, but true.
The second event took place yesterday at Yankee Stadium in New York, on the occasion of Rudy Giuliani’s 74th birthday. “America’s Mayor”, who has ridden the coat tails of 9/11 for nearly two decades, was announced as being in attendance on his birthday…and was promptly booed loudly by a majority of the crowd. In New York. America’s Mayor. What exactly do you think was going through his mind at that moment? “How did they let so many illegals into this ballpark?” “Is Donald Trump sitting behind me?” Or, was he actually thinking, “Have I become such an ass that even the city that once loved me now hates me, how much further can I sink?” Obviously he didn’t think the last one, because men like Giuliani live in a constant state of denial. That is exactly how they continue to go on with their meaningless lives. To kid themselves that what they say and do still matters. Happy Birthday Rudy!
And last but not least, Roseanne’s television show was abruptly cancelled today by ABC. Let me start by saying that I was a fan of the original show. In a time when many people hated Roseanne I thought simply, she was funny and the show was funny. I watched the original show for years.
When I read about the reboot and her comments about Trump, I made a decision not to watch the new show. Or to ever again watch the old show. After years of obscurity, she came back to the limelight, was actually a hit, and then did what she did best…opened her big mouth.
Kudos to ABC. They took a show that was making them money and before the phony apology came, as it always does, pulled the plug for the right reason. Because racist comments, whether they come from the average person, or from a washed up performer, or from a piece of garbage president, cannot be tolerated in this country any longer. The problem does not lie with minorities. It doesn’t lie with immigrants. Not with Hispanics or Muslims. It lies right between the eyes of people like Donald J Trump and Roseanne, and millions like them. And every time one of us hears it and dos not speak out, them each of us is culpable. To thank ABC I am going to start watching one of their shows I had never tried before. Maybe Fox News will pick up Roseanne as a weekend host.
Will racism ever die? Unlikely. It is spread generation to generation, fueled by fear, hatred and ignorance. We know it’s right, despite our anger, not to hate these people. We feel sorry for them. For their lack of vision. And for their small minds and even smaller…well, you, know. But we get angry because every time they have a stage and say something racist, it fuels a thought in the mind of another person out there who still hasn’t found their way.
Perhaps when the Orange Menace is out of office, hopefully sooner rather than later, he, Roseanne and America’s Mayor can host their own reality show. I’d pay to not watch that.
I had prepared, for this Memorial Day, a long blog about the memories of my youth, pertaining to a produce truck, water ice truck and amusement ride truck from our old West Philadelphia neighborhood. It was in fact 95% typed when I decided to scrap it. Instead I’ll use this time alienating the few remaining readers of this blog who are still choosing to support this president and the Republican party.
Wake up and get your heads out of your asses! Was that subtle enough?
Is greed, bigotry and power THAT important to you? It has almost reached the point of farce. To even try and be fair and unbiased is an unattainable act.
In history, you’e going to go down with the ignorant German population, who toured the death camps at the end of the World War II, claiming they were horrified by what had happened and that they had, “No idea” of what was going on. This is happening right in front of you, but you choose to have a one channel cable system that is limited to Fox News, and shut out the rest of the world, living in your own cocoon.
This is the stuff that science fiction movies are made of. The kind of thing, when we turn it off, we are dazed, but thankful that it could never happen in real life. And here, happening in real life. You have a maniac, and that is putting it very lightly, in charge of an entire nation. Wait, we had that before, right? Maniacs in charge. Hitler, Mussolini, Amin, Hussein. How many of them were proven right? What, because this guy does it in a suit and frozen hair we’re supposed to feel better about it? The biggest problem is not what has already happened or what is happening right now. It is what’s to come.
This is a man who tricked his way out of serving his country. So, a coward. A man who stepped over others to attain wealth, and then bankrupted many of his businesses. A philanderer, who has admitted to having multiple affairs and, “doing with women whatever he wanted to” because of his status. A man who belittles the poor, the ravaged, the weak. ANYONE who supports this man should simply be ashamed of themselves. And you know what, in private, they probably are. They are the same people lining the pews on Sundays, singing hymns and hoping if there is a mythical being out there somewhere, they’re really not paying attention to all of the little details.
Forget about Right and Left. Focus on right and wrong. If you can’t see the difference through you distorted glasses, then take them off, throw them on the ground and smash them. Imagine your (imaginary) Judgment Day, trying to explain the reasons you supported this chaos. I wish you all luck with that, I really do.
Wait, I don’t, to think of it. The rest of us living here in the real world have enough to deal with, worrying about poverty, employment, poor medical insurance, and being the laughing stock of the entire world. You and your eternity are on your own.
The world is crumbling around us and we have to deal with the NFL instituting rules about players standing for the National Anthem? What a joke. Hey NFL, go bleep yourself. You, like your silent boss, cares about one thing and one thing alone, money. You only step up when it affects your bottom line. If the Republicans thought a Democrat would be elected and save them 9% more on their taxes they’d elect that person in a second. They serve three masters. Power. Greed. Money. They talk about religion when they have no souls.
How much of that extra cash are YOU planning to line your casket with when you die?
During the second term of George W Bush’s presidency I refused to stand for the National Anthem, in protest. For four years…and that probably consisted of several dozen anthems. I will NEVER stand for the anthem while the Commander in Creep is in office. This country’s anthem means NOTHNG that someone like that sits behind a desk in the oval office. I hope the players with integrity in the NFL and every other sport continue to protest, and tell the owners and this president to, “Go to Hell” (which, is inevitable, right?”)
Maybe this is too direct and strongly worded for Memorial Day? Just the opposite. If you have even a few minutes today, watch some of the Ken Burns mini-series, “The War” today, about World War II. Watch what this country, and it’s fighting men and women went through to achieve freedom for the entire world. And then, ask yourself whether this remains an important issue. What is happening now shatters the memory of those people sacrificed. When I imagine, if they knew what was happening in a world they fought to save so many years ago, it brings tears to my eyes.
Break down your thinking to a basic decision. What is right and what is wrong. No explanations and nothing else. Right. Wrong. Which side are you on and what side do you want to align yourself with, for eternity?
Family. It is, for most of us, in the end, what matters most of all. More than our jobs, our money, our house and our cars. More than our golf game and our gardens. Both the family that we originate from and as well, the family we create.
There’s a saying, “You can’t choose your family”. But in many ways we do. Because for many of us, our true family lies not just in blood relatives, but in the people we choose to be among for the most important moments of our lives.
I was born in 1960 to Frank and Lucille Duffy, is West Philadelphia. The third of what would be four boys. Mom had a daughter first, who did not survive. I often think how different their lives would have been, and ours, if she had. I think having a sister would have made me see things differently. Today, many of our female friends are like sisters to me that it is a true blessing for me.
Most of us from back in the 1960’s didn’t realize the significance of family. We came from neighborhoods of families with many children. There was never a loss for company on holidays and birthdays. And then, even as boys, we had our family of friends. Boys we grew up with, literally in the streets, learning about life along the way. About being brave, about girls, about everything.
I have four friends today that I have been friends with for 50 years. And although we all have grown and evolved differently, that connection is as strong for me as the moments growing up in my old house, with my brothers and parents. Sharing a bedroom with my three brothers on two sets of bunk beds. Having, in many senses, two sets of brothers. I have been very fortunate.
As we grow into adulthood, there is a time when we start feeling our own strength, not just physically, but emotionally. We begin to step away from family and start to realize soon we will have families of our own. We never realize at that time the pain it is causing our parents, to watch us, in essence, walk away for large chunks of time, present only to eat and sleep in our own beds. For most of us it wasn’t like the Momma bird pushing the chicks out of the nest. It was akin to Momma bird waking up one morning and noticing that the chicks had simply flown off, without leaving a note.
For me, it was mainly Mom, as Dad had flown the coup by the time I was 10. As a boy, Dads father had left his family abruptly and with no notice, never to return, leaving him, his four siblings and his mom to fend for themselves. So, basically, he grew up without a father figure. Which explains why he sometimes came up short in the Ozzie Nelson department. Mom took on the task of raising four of us on her own. I still, to this day, don’t know quite how she did it. It’s one of the things that makes me calm in times of tribulation, to know it can’t be all that bad.
Dad would reappear from time to time but never stayed. And never, ever gave any advice. I’m not sure I would have heeded any, but it would have been nice to have the option, you know. We found each other more as friends after I was married and for years after that I became the father and he the son as he struggled through anxiety, and what I think overall, was a disappointment of what he had made, or more so, what he had failed to make of his life.
I was first married in 1984 and made a lot of mistakes of my own. They were mistakes of the emotional variety, thinking I had what I wanted, and then realizing, five years in, that it was not what I wanted at all. We had a daughter, Jessica, who is about to turn 30 in a few weeks. With every passing generation our mistakes become less and less damaging. I have been a figure in my daughter’s life ever since she has been born and have never taken time away from her, until she was married.
I remarried in 2002 and have three stepsons as well, and by them, four grandchildren. When I do anything for my daughter and her husband or the boys and their families, they are always overly appreciative. My common response is, “If not for you, then for who?”. I realized that my family happened around me when I was not looking. And continues to grow. You say the words, “No matter what you need” without even thinking them. And not just out of obligation. Out of need. Your need.
You look at these grown children and start to realize you did not turn them into adults. They evolved on their own. Sure, you try to set an example. You give them what you think they need. But eventually, they turn into the people they want to be, regardless of your contributions.
What about the family we grew up with, the family we were born into? Well, for me, much of that has disintegrated. My dad passed in the early 2000’s. I don’t speak to the majority of his family. I was estranged from my oldest brother at the time he passed and haven’t spoken to his family since. I see my other brothers occasionally but it’s as if they have their own family and I have mine. We choose our own family.
And then, the family of friends we hold dear. We don’t share the same DNA, but we share the same ideology, the same interests, and the love of a real family.
Coming from an Italian background I go a bit against the grain when it comes to children and family. I’m of the mindset that we try and give the tools to make their life, and then let them actually make it on their own, for better or worse. Every one of their setbacks is a setback for you, no matter how old they grow. Mom, at 84, is right. It never ends. You never stop worrying and as Jason Robards said in Parenthood (the movie, not the TV series), “You never get to spike the ball, it’s never over”.
Here’s what you do get. As you grow older, you do get to choose your family, both the blood relatives and the friends. You get to decide who gets the first call after you good medical news. Who gets the invite to Christmas dinner. And who you want by your side when a big part of your world crumbles. And you hope that the people you choose choose you too.
Whether it is a CEO or an athlete or a politician stepping away from the limelight, they all eventually utter the same statement, “I wanted to spend more time with my family”. It’s easy to pinpoint that 99% of the time they’re lying. It’s just the right thing to say.
And then there are those that have suffered a fall from grace, and claim to be so fortunate that they have their family, “standing by their side”, when often that is not the case. See, if family is what matters most for you, you don’t fall from grace. Because before you do whatever it is wrong you did, you think of your family, and then, you don’t do it.
Most of real life is not about the Ewing Family, or the Carrington Family. It is for the most part, boring. Maybe not boring, but, well, steady. There aren’t alcoholic rages and affairs, no crimes of passion. But there is happiness. Pain. Sadness. Excitement. Laughter and tears.
I read the obituaries every day. Not a day goes by when I don’t read about a 90 year old who lived the perfect life and died peacefully, at home, in bed, surrounded by his loving family. In real life, I’ve never heard about that happening. Usually it takes place in a hospital room, maybe one or two family members there and the passing takes place while your down at the cafeteria having a salad.
Not to be preachy, but don’t define your family by what it has been and by what it is supposed to be. Family should never be defined by obligation. Or by commitment. Or by history. It should be defined as, “You are the person I want next to me as I move forward in my life, and this is why”.
It’s never too late to find your family. The family you want.
We’ll tackle a variety of subjects this 22nd of May. Let’s start with the most pressing. His name…is Blippi.
Okay, we watch our 5 year old grandson Milo and 2 year old grandson Remy on a regular basis. And Remy is all about Blippi. Even Milo occasionally. This is not a movie, not a TV series. It’s a guy, dressed as some type of clownish character, but not a clown…playing. There’s no story. The kids are simply watching a grown up version of a kid, playing. On playgrounds, at parks, wherever.
Granted, this is not nearly as bad as those YouTube videos where the kids are basically looking at other kids opening toys and then demonstrating them. I so wish I had just made that last sentence up. That is actually a thing.
What have we come to that we are not “doing” with our kids and have to resort to watching other people play and open presents? More so, why are the kids so invested in this? Last week Remy cried for 10 minutes when we told him, “No more Blippi!” We didn’t use the exclamation point, but on the inside I was using thirty of them!!!!!!!
Next up, I don’t know how the rest of you feel about it, but if the Eagles visit the White House there is going to be the mother of all bitter tastes in my mouth from this past season and Super Bowl. Enough even, that I might have to boycott this upcoming 2018 season. I know that sounds drastic. But the image of that team, our team, surrounding the Horseassface in Chief might be something I can’t recover from. Keep you posted there.
Speaking of Commander Mortal Sin, doesn’t he remind you of that bratty, asshole kid that would show up transferred, in mid year, at your school? You didn’t really have to associate with him all that much, unless you were assigned some school project together. And then he was the one eating the glue. He’s also the kid that always got picked last and then would leave with his ball, ending the game. Here’s the problem, now that kid has moved into the house next door. And he’s there every day. And you have to keep your doors closed with the shades down on the windows. Yet, every day there he is knocking because he has no one to play with him.
A friend of mine the other day tried to convince me of what a great job Orange Crush was doing, and that how the country was headed in the right direction. I asked him to give me one example of this. He couldn’t. He was just reading the hats. I told him to stop watching Fox News and pick up the New York Times or the Washington Post.
Should we be building statues for the first person who ever tried a bungee cord, jumping off of a bridge? What about the first person who jumped out of a moving plane wearing a parachute? You think it was travelling, maybe 100 feet off the ground, just in case? What about the first guy who tested a shark-repellent swimsuit? These people were pioneers. And a bit off their nut as well. But imagine where the world would be without them?
Movie Review: “Regarding Henry”. Most of you have seen the BIG Harrison Ford movies, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan. But if you haven’t seen it, check out this small film he made in 1991. It is a drama with some funny moments, directed by the legendary Mike Nichols. Starring Ford and Annette Bening. Ford plays a win at any cost lawyer who is shot during a holdup, suffering significant physical and memory issues. Ford is tremendous showing range outside of his swashbuckling roles, and Bening is terrific as his struggling spouse. This is not the type of movie you expect Mike Nichols to have directed but thank goodness that he did. A good movie for a rainy afternoon or a late night when you can’t sleep.
In closing, let’s forget fate, okay. As glamorous as it is in the movies, there is no fate. I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade here. I think when we accept something as, “Fate”, we lose our edge to really explore what things, or we, can be. I respect one’s need for religion, but when I hear, “If that’s God’s fate, so be it”, it makes me cringe. Never stop trying to make a situation what you want or need it to be.
Perhaps that is YOUR fate. To rise against the current.
Okay, the rain has me a bit, “Trapped in a Happy Household” today. So I have some ideas for tomorrow’s blog, and since maybe I’ll sleep in later (meaning after 6 am), thought I’d send some thoughts out today.
Before I do, I should alert everyone that I’ve been on a growth spurt. Okay, not height-wise, that ship sailed many moons ago. Many. And not emotionally, either. I hope I continue to grow in that manner, but not lately. That leaves what, circumference-wise? Time to restart my diet.
There are phrases we both hear and use in everyday life. Things that often we say without really thinking of the moment in which we say it. We have been trained in a way to respond to these phrases, much like our dog Murphy knows to sit when the treat bucket emerges. By the way, Murphy recovered nicely from his surgery. The doctor believes they got all of the cancerous growth and they don’t anticipate any future treatment. He does have a sac of fluid where the incision was, and is still wearing a cone, albeit a smaller version. I’ve taken to calling him, “James Coney” and he, in response, swears to tell the truth.
Why do people use the phrase, “Hope it goes off without a hitch” when referring to someone’s upcoming wedding day? If nothing else, don’t we want a, “hitch” to take place? Don’t we want these two people to become, “hitched”? Speaking of, did the royal couple get hitched today? Hate to say I have not been paying attention. I’ve been busy cleaning helicopters out of the pool. You know, the spinney things that fall from the trees and twirl like copter blades?
“Fore”. As far as I know, aside from the similar sounding number 4, the only time anyone ever uses this phrase is on a golf course. When are we going to stop saying, “Fore”, and as well, “Heads up” and just start saying what we should really be saying…”Duck” or, “Get down”.
At least once a week I’m speaking to someone about something, (usually about my blog) and they respond, “I could care less”. Nice zing, but totally inappropriate. Try, “I couldn’t care less”, which suggests that is the maximum amount of which they could not care. And what the hell am I doing speaking to this nitwit anyway? Sorry, Mom.
“Six for one, half-dozen for another”. I get it, it means either way, I don’t really care. Why not just, “12 for one, a dozen for another”. Who buys a half dozen eggs anyway? Just to throw people off, I use other versions of that saying. The other day I told my boss, “Three for one, a quarter-dozen for another”. She hung up on me.
His bark is worse than his bite”. At no time in my entire life have I every been under the impression that a dog barking, no matter what the decibel level is, would be worse that that animal sinking his fangs into my skin. Let’s shorten that to, “Hey, his bark is loud, but stop complaining or you’ll experience his bite too…on your ass”. Now go away.
“Touch wood”. This made an appearance in the book, but bears repeating. Notable people say this. Surgeons…bankers…millionaires. They say something, then look for the nearest object made of wood, and then touch it. I don’t think composite wood counts. Worse still, if they cannot find a piece of wood in range within 5 seconds, they actually reach up and start banging their knuckles on top of their head. Seems about right.
Let’s clear something up right now, for the final time. There is no such thing as luck. Black cats are simply black. A ladder stands firmly whether you walk under it or around it. Break as many mirrors as you’d like. Knock over the salt shaker. In that vain, the phrases, “God forbid”, and “Heaven forbid”, as you make the sign of the cross, have to go. And, if you’re alone and do any of that, then you need luck…er, help.
“Lightning never strikes the same place twice”. Actually, it has. Multiple times. Check something called, “Google”. There’s one guy who has been hit 7 or 8 times. People who have won the lottery multiple times. Also, ask any guy whose considering getting married for the third time.
“She’s got a green thumb”. Okay, harmless enough. Unless she’s sleeping with Mr. Spock. Then…ew.
“It’s not the fall that kills you”. Acceptable responses to this phrase include: 1. It’s not, its the sudden stop at the bottom. 2. It’s always the fall that kills you., what are you, stupid? 3. It’s winter, not fall, that kills you (my favorite). 4. Unless you work at a trampoline park.
And now, some animal-related quotes:
“The birds and the bees do it”. Perhaps this is why so many of us grow up, “sexually-challenged”. Unless you’re an earth-nik, no one has ever seen the birds or the bees doing it. And if so, they’re doing it right out in the open, another great suggestion for your offspring. With all due respect to Mrs. Crow and Mr. Buzzy, when your kids are of appropriate age, take them to someone to EXPLAIN it to them.
“The straw that broke the camels back”. I’ve tried thinking about this phrase from every possible angle. My conclusion is, whoever came up with it was simply having a bad day and needed to try harder. It makes no sense on any level. Yet, we use it till this day. Go figure. If we use a Camel on a pack of cigarettes, given this saying, shouldn’t some drinking straw company have a camel as their logo?
“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. Why, why, why would you want to make it drink? A horse is alive. If it is thirsty, it will drink. If you lead it to a trough of oats, it may not eat. If I lead my dog to the park, he may not crap. The next time you find yourself starting this saying, get as far as, “You can…”, then just close with, “kiss my ass”. Likely where that conversation is ending up, anyway.
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. This is one we definitely want to keep, Save it for whenever anyone says anything ridiculous to you, like, “I think Trump is doing a great job”. Look them straight in the eye…”A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. “Yes, I still think it’s a good idea to let my son go on a camping weekend with Father Dominic. Again…straight in the eye. “Hey, I bought Mike Duffy’s book on Amazon last week, it’s great!”. “A mind is a terri…”.
Saturday morning rain, so no golf today. Might as well blog, right? Actually was thinking about this yesterday so a good time to spew (with no disrespect to the dear people of Hawaii).
There are many people, unfortunately, who need to be removed from this planet. Or, at the minimum, from civilized society. I’m not going to throw any softballs at you like abusive priests, Trump or Giuliani or any of that dreck. They’re all givens. I’m talking about people in everyday life, people that, if we had the button with the box and could push it, would simply go away. Don’t worry, no harm will come to them. Maybe we’ll just send them to Limbo or someplace serene like that. Do you think they do the limbo in Limbo? If so, I hope it’s where they send all of the chiropractors when they die.
First off is the hunter who has to wear his camouflage clothing 365 days of the year. We get it. You like to kill things. But you’re not going to need to hide or blend in at the 4th of July picnic. Wear a color for Pete’s sake! And sorry, but I have to admit, every time I read a story about a hunter who is accidentally injured or killed by another hunter, or who falls out of a tree stand and breaks something vital, I go into a little happy dance.
Next on the limbo express is the toll taker who reminds me she is praying for me. If ever there was a solid reason for E Z Pass, this is it. This is a person who doesn’t know me, and for that matter is in no way aware that I even need prayers said on my behalf. And how much free time does she have? Is she praying for every car that passes through her lane? Or just in bulk, say, “One Hail Mary for every car between 10 am and 3 pm”. Because frankly, if I’m part of some bulk prayer thing I’m more than a little offended. Let’s save prayers for those who truly need them. The sick, the dying the starving, the poor, and the guy who has to prep Trump’s hair every day.
And while we’re on the subject of religion, the next football player who savagely tries to decapitate an opponent and then after the game thanks God for the talent and opportunity to do so. It we are fortunate enough that there is a God somewhere, watching over us, I certainly hope he or she has nothing to do with athletes. Can we simply eliminate the pre and post game interviews while we’re at it? And all athlete interviews now that I think of it?
The local news anchor, non-sports related, who tries to make passable comments about the just finished sports segment. Here’s a hint, you’re hurting yourself. And your viewers. Concentrate on your hair and your makeup and reading from the prompter. We realize that is all difficult enough. I’ve never quite understood why people prefer to have their news read to them by Ken and Barbie. We need a couple of good hard rules that pertain to on air news. First, the person should be at least 50 years old and have the first clue about, well, life. Next, the person can not be attractive. The idea is to listen to, and grasp the news, not the shade of lipstick someone is wearing. Lastly, they must read the news from a stack of papers they are holding, not a prompter. It shouldn’t matter that we are looking at the top of their head.
The next waiter or waitress who bring my appetizer and entree out to the table at the same time. And then offers the lame excuse, “The chef had everything ready early, is that okay?” Okay, first, he’s not a chef. He’s wearing a backwards baseball cap and a black tank top. Second, there’s no room on the table for all of these dishes unless I resume my plate-spinning act from 1979. I love the reaction when you say, “No, take the entrees back please and keep them warm until we’re ready for them”. The actual look they give you is as if they’ve just heard a meteor is speeding towards the earth and we will all be killed in an hour. It is called a dining “experience”. Even at Chili’s damn it!
The next person at Comcast or Sprint that I call with a problem and tell me how sorry they are that I’m experiencing a problem with their service. Listen, I realize they have a job to do, but my problem with their service is usually compounded with having to deal with them. Don’t read from a script. Treat me like a person, not a machine. And stopping saying, “Mr. Duffy” every 12 seconds. I know who I am. It doesn’t bother me that you have an accent, or that you empathize with me. Let’s talk like real people trying to solve a problem.
By way of honorable mention, every person that apologizes to me all day long for no reason. People, let’s stop saying, “I’m sorry” unless you have something to truly be sorry about. If you’re apologizing to me for taking too long to get change out of your purse at Wawa, what are you saying to your husband when he comes home and finds you in bed with your neighbor’s recent college graduate son? And, let’s not forget, the people who came up with, “Honorable Mention” as an award title. There’s First place, Second place, and Third place. Those are the positions of honor. Just make it Fourth place and end it. Saves money on the ribbon typing as well.
Everyone connected with the Royal Wedding. I realize it is happening as I type. My wife rose at 5 am to prep and dress up and watch the event with some friends. Perhaps I am becoming a grump. Okay, I am a grump. But watching an event with such pomp and circumstance, seeing the amount of money that is spent, tends to remind me of those who have so very little in life. I live in Bryn Mawr, near Villanova and not far from Gladwyne and I see daily how some of these people live. The excess. The waste. Sure, it’s their money and it is their choice to do whatever they want with it. But open your eyes people just more than a crack. BY the way, has anyone ever witnessed pomp without circumstance? Can I use, “Pomp” in Scrabble?
People using their phone to apply a coupon to a purchase at the register. They are using an $900 device to get $1.50 off of a case of bottled water. Mainly, they are just trying to show off how smart they are. That’s why someone named them, “Smartphones”. And Smart TV’s. Now, Smart Cars. Because, let’s face it, most of us, are, well, stupid. But, $1.50 richer.
The friendly golfer. Okay, with the rain I’m being spared that one this morning. This guy, while you’re waiting at the tee box, pulls up because he has hit yet another errant shot from the adjacent fairway. “Beats working” is his go to phrase. My general response is, “Well, I’m a swimsuit model photographer, so, no, it doesn’t”. Their backup comment is usually, “How you hitting’em?” What I’d like to say, as I pull out my 4 iron is, “put your head on this tee and you’ll find out”. Look, I barely speak to the people in the group I play with. For the rest of you…stay in your own fairway and remember, golf is supposed to be a quiet sport.
Lastly, for today, the inventor of the bobble head. Has anyone, anywhere, ever actually seen a bobble head that actually resembles the person it was made for? And, after it is placed on a shelf, has anyone ever touched it again, except to dust it? Our fascination with crap that serves us absolutely no purpose amazes me. In the 70’s it was pet rocks. We’ve had dozens more in the 40 years that followed. Do your kids a favor. Clean out the crap and give them one less thing to throw away when you’re gone. My plan, before I go, (and those of you out there cheering, I can hear you), is to clean my attic and my life of everything unnecessary. So, in the end, it will simply be me, my wife, our dog and cat, and my blue Puma sweatpants.
And off to Limbo we go…to limbo for eternity. And then my wife can stop complaining that I never take her dancing.
I’ve received a few comments from followers (yeah, that one guy) who think I’ve grown so dark lately that the light-hearted spirit that inspired me to write my book is long gone. Well, let’s put that to the test.
True, it’s been a rough year and a half. So I’ve decided to sit down, without subject matter, without an idea in my head or notes of any kind, and see if I can remember how to be humorous. Here goes.
In no particular order…
Okay, it’s been 32 minutes since I typed the words, “In no particular order…” so I might be in trouble here.
This past Monday I took 5 year old grandson Milo to the Trampoline Park. It was late in the day so there were hardly any other people there. As a matter of fact, within a few minutes we were the only ones there. Milo seemed bored jumping on his own so Pop asked if he wanted company. Wait, I said what? WHAT? Before I could take it back, he stopped jumping, grabbed me by the hand and began walking me back to the front counter where I could pay, remove my shoes, and get my special jumping socks. I’m not saying the actual words but inside, “dumbass” is repeating over and over again inside my head.
Six minutes later I’m walking onto a trampoline for the first time in, oh, 35 years, easily. Okay, I’m 57, still overweight, but somehow I still consider myself to be in fairly decent shape (as compared to what, a walrus?) Hey, I’m the only one of my friends still playing pickup basketball (more on that later).
So I start out slowly. A few low impact jumps. Going okay, both ankles still intact. What I immediately recognize is that trampolines today are somehow super spring loaded, and the heavier you are, surprise, the farther up you seem to go. Now, I’m about 16 inches off the surface, in midair, mumbling to myself, “This is not going to end well”. I realize the next feeling that arises…I’m going to throw up. My stomach, it seems, hasn’t experienced this type of movement since The Scrambler in 1996. The ravioli I had for lunch is not helping me. It’s creeping slowly upwards, now at about my throat.
I stop for a moment and talk myself down from vomiting (you remember what that was like at 18, trying to convince yourself you WILL NOT upchuck). Somehow it works and I follow Milo over to, “The Surfboard”. I swear this contraption was designed by one of the old nuns at St. Donatos. It is, what appears to be an actual surfboard, connect by 12 bungee cords, three at each corner, suspended over a sea of foam squares. The point is to somehow climb atop it and stand on it, sort of like, surfing, without trying to fall off. All the while its like Michael J Fox is holding one end of it and Muhammad Ali holding the other end). Sorry, too soon?
Now Milo was unable to even stand up on the board. Pop, on the other hand, made it onto the board and stood fully erect…for 1.5 seconds, before tumbling down into the well of foam blocks. Take that young whipper snappers! I was feeling pretty damn full of myself…until I tried to make my way out of the foam pit. I would describe it as watching a newly born giraffe trying to stand on a marble floor covered with cooking oil. At that moment the lack of other customers brought great comfort to me. Any video footage at that moment would have gone viral.
Milo was already off to the next jumping area. It took me about 7 minutes to maneuver the three feet out of the foam pit, feet first mind you. Climbing onto a solid surface I experienced only what I can imagine the astronauts felt when they stepped onto dry land after coming back from 5 days in space. But I had little time to celebrate. Before I knew it I was jumping up and down again, hearing the noise in my knees clearer that that of the music playing over the loud speaker. Two minutes later I lied to Milo about the amount of time we had remaining and off we went, headed for home. He asked for ice cream as we left and I tried hard not to stare at it as we drove off.
So, that’s off the bucket list. Right behind bungee jumping. Which is sort of what I was doing anyway, so, that counts. Counts for skydiving too I think. And cliff diving too, so the trip to Mexico, that’s off.
Two hours later I was playing full court basketball and my knees literally spoke words to me…”What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” I heard it, clearly. First the left knee. Then the right, “You better block off 30 days next month for the surgery and the physical therapy”. Needless to say, it is Thursday and my daily 2-1/2 mile walk has yet to happen this week. Should I mention that at basketball I still had on my trampoline socks. Somehow I convinced myself they would actually make me jump a bit higher at basketball. So, it’s not just the body going but the mind as well. Well, no sense my body leaving on its own.
No, I wasn’t trying to prove anything. Wait, was I? None of us likes getting older. For the most part I am okay with it. Every time I see a 16 year old walking around with their face in their phone I am so glad I don’t have to go through that again. But the physical part of growing older is a drag. Like having to stretch for 15 minutes to exercise for 12 minutes. The fact that, “Ice and heat” are you two best friends. Ice, heat…ice, heat…
The worst part is knowing that one day, when you walk off of the basketball court, it could be the last time you ever step onto the court. Sure, I’ll always have golf. And walking. And…well, that’s about it, really.
When Milo is 10, I’ll be 62. So as he grows bigger and stronger, I’ll be shrinking and getting weaker. Seems like an uphill battle.
Trapped in a Happy Life 