Please, Ma, I don’t wanna go…

In the aftermath of tragedy in two parts of our country, we were presented yesterday with a form of entertainment.  It was, literally, a dog and pony show with President Dog Face front and center, trying to give the American public, normally a pretty savvy bunch, the idea that he really gives a damn about what happened, and worse, that he intends to do anything about it.

In actuality, let’s envision the conversation that really took place.  For brevity sake, from this point forward, the Presidential Chief of Staff will be referred to as, “COS”, and President Dog Face as, “PDF”,

COS: C’mon, sir, we have to get off of the plane.

PDF: But I don’t wanna.  There’s probably gonna be blood and other icky things down there.

COS: Sir, what did I tell you…it’s gonna be election time soon.  The people need to see you have real feelings about this.

PDF: I do, I do.  I don’t wanna go.  That’s my feeling.  Let’s go back to that place where all the people call me, “Mr” and cheer and clap for me, and give me money.

COS: We will sir, but first, we have to do this.  Here, let me straighten your tie and adjust your garter belt sir.

As they descend the steps of the plane…

PDF: Oh, no, I’m not going down there!  There’s a lot of people holding signs and yelling things at me.  Ducks?  Why are they yelling about ducks?

COS: No, sir, they’re just saying they….like…ducks too.

PDF: Wait a minute…that sign has a picture of me.  And it makes me look fat.  I’m not fat, am I?  I can’t read but that sign suggests… I design?  Am I am designer?

COS: C’mon sir, we’re going in the big black car to meet some nice people.

PDF: (As they pull up to the first site).  You can’t make me go out there, you can’t.  I’m powerful.  You can’t do it. You’re fired!  Ha Ha Ha.  remember, I used to do that, on the TV show, remember, you’re fired.  Ha Ha.

COS: (pulling back the front of PDF’s hair, forcing him to look into the mirror).  Look at this, you twit!  This is the REAL YOU!  Now start crying and get out of this car.

PDF: (sniffling, unbuckling his child safety seat) You are so mean.  I’m gonna find a new best buddy.

PDF emerges from the vehicle, sniffling.  The people cheer…”Look, he DOES care…what a guy!”

COS: See sir, they love you.  What did I tell you.

PDF: You better hope my hair doesn’t blow up in the wind you idiot.  Wait, who are these people?

COS: They are some of the victim’s families, sir.  Remember I told you they might be here.

PDF: I don’t wanna see them.  Some of them are crying.  And wait, some of them (whispering)…aren’t…like us.

COS: It’s okay sir, just act like you do back home in the round room.  Just pretend, like you’re the one actually doing things.

PDF proceeds through the ranks, like a receiving line in a funeral parlor.  “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m very sorry…Yes, sorry for your loss…please vote for me in 2020…do these pants make my ass look big?”

COS: Okay sir, time to go.

PDF: No, wait, they’re getting to my favorite part.  Someone just brought in some donuts.  Mmmm, I love those creme-filled ones…ooh, and the jelly.

COS: Sir, we have those on the plane for you.

PDF: What?  Where?

COS: We only bring them out when you’re throwing a tantrum sir.

PDF: You are mean.  A real meanie.  Just a guy who is…mean.

PDF waves from the plane as he steps aboard.

PDF: Thank God that’s over.  Can we go home now?

COS: No sir, we have another town to visit.

PDF: (Taking off his tie) No, no.  That’s it.  Tell the plane driver I wanna go back home.

COS: Stewardess, the stash of donuts please…

 

For those of you interested, on the heels of these real tragedies, a March is taking place at 11am in Philadelphia supported by Delco United for Sensible Gun Policy (and others).  Please visit their website and offer your support, or better yet, come out and let your voice be heard!